The Terrifying Face of Love

I had a monumental epiphany tonight and it completely scared me.

(Disclaimer: I'm still trying to sort this all out in my mind so I'm not sure this post is going to make a whole lot of sense, but I want to share it anyway.)

So here is my earth-shattering epiphany ... are you ready for it?

I love my daughter.

I know what you're probably thinking, "Um, hello. You're her mom. You're just now realizing that? What is wrong with you?"

But stick with me.

The epiphany-causing part of this realization is not the fact that I love my daughter, but the depth of my love for her. It's SO much deeper than any emotion I've ever felt before. I've never experienced anything even remotely close to how I feel about Cara. It's taken the concept of love to a whole new level.

And this realization scares me. A lot.

What it comes down to is a lack of trust. Basically, I'm scared to trust God with my daughter. Even though it's completely backwards and doesn't make any sense, I'm afraid that because I love Cara so much, He's going to allow something to happen to her in order to teach me something ... maybe surrender or acceptance. Isn't that a ridiculous and twisted fear? I "know" that God is good and loving and compassionate. I "know" that He works all things together for good. But I also know that this world is a fallen, broken, messed up place with lots of pain and heartache. I know that many people suffer unfathomable losses allowed by God for His greater purpose.

Frankly, I'm afraid that my loving Cara so much will cause God to allow that to be taken from me in order to show me that all I need is Him. (See what I mean about being backwards? Seriously ... I'm a mess.)

But even in the midst of this consuming fear, I also see the other side. After the volatile final seven weeks of my pregnancy, how can I ever doubt God - the One that chose to give us a baby girl who is the picture of perfect health?

A little background: At 33 weeks my placenta started showing signs of calcification and the doctors were convinced that I would have to be induced early to save my baby. I was monitored twice a week and at every ultrasound the baby had to score at least 8 out of a possible 10 points for the doctors to feel okay with letting things progress naturally. Every single time our baby scored a 10. But it wasn't just barely a 10. She would complete all the necessary actions within the first few minutes of being on the monitor. Every time. She literally defied every expectation of our doctors. She came naturally, two days before her due date, and the first five months of her life have continued to demonstrate that despite what the doctors predicted, Cara is the epitome of perfect health.

Is this rambling making any sense? Even as I'm writing, I feel like an out of control ping pong ball, bouncing wildly back and forth between what I know to be true and what I feel (read: fear).

The Truth is that God loves me more than I can even begin to fathom. What I feel for Cara? That's just a tiny fraction of how God feels about me. He won't allow anything in my life without a purpose and whatever He allows me to experience, without it I wouldn't become who He wants me to be.

Bottom line. The deepest desire of my heart is to please God, whatever it takes.

Or whomever it takes.

Heartbreak at the Coffee Shop

I am in a very awkward situation right now. It's tearing me up.

I have an hour and a half to kill between my haircut and my book club, so I set up camp at the corner table in It's a Grind. I just sat down to enjoy my Praline Latte and am working on setting up my new computer when I notice the man and woman in the chairs beside me. They are very clearly arguing. Within a minute, it is obvious what they are talking about.

They are (not at all discreetly, mind you) trying to negotiate who gets what in their divorce. They're arguing about the house, the cars, the pet, the appliances - everything. It's awful. It's uncomfortable for me, but I can't help hearing them. I feel like I'm intruding on a very personal and devastating conversation.

The part where I almost start crying, though, is when they start arguing about what they will tell their kids. Obviously the kids are small.

"We'll just tell them daddy and mommy made a big mistake and should never have gotten married. That we'll be living separately now."

I know I'm still a newlywed and all, but I can't stop obsessing about how a couple gets from their wedding day to this point. How does it happen?? Chris and I have talked about how we can never EVER allow divorce to be an option. Ever. We cannot even allow ourselves to consider it for a second. Because the second we indulge the thought, even to write it off, it begins to take root.

I don't know anything about this couple. I don't know what circumstances lead them to this point. What I do know, though, is that my heart is hurting for them, and especially for their kids.

Courage

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

-Ambrose Redmoon

Nightmare

I was woken up last night by a horrible, HORRIBLE dream. I don't want to go into details but basically it was about physical torture and people I love dearly.

I very rarely remember my dreams so to actually remember a nightmare like this is very disturbing. I can't stop thinking about it.

I don't think I should watch 24 anymore.

The Man with the Red Truck

I have a problem ...

See yesterday was driving home from work. It was about 4:30. The sun was getting ready to set in about half an hour. It was cold. The wind was blowing and it was snowing.

As I was pulling up to this light near New Life Church, there was a guy standing by the side of the road. He had shoulderlength hair and was kind of scruffy looking. (Although that's a pretty typical look for guys in this state.) Anyway, he was standing at the edge of the road and there was a truck a few feet behind him. He was holding out jumper cables. And he looked desperate.

The light was red, so I stopped and watched him in my mirror. He would motion to every car that went by with the jumper cables. Nobody stopped. I sat there at the light, trying to decide if I should turn around and try to help him. I watched probably 20 cars roll past him without even glancing at him. And when the light turned green, I drove away. And for the rest of the ride home (and the rest of the evening, actually) I felt horrible for not stopping.

So here's my question. Did I make the right decision? Because if I did, it felt pretty awful. Which makes me think maybe I didn't.

But I was alone. I'm a woman. If I had had someone else in the car with me, I would have stopped. If I had some pepper spray with me, I would have stopped. If I was a guy, I would have stopped. If he had been a woman, I would have stopped. I didn't stop because I was afraid of becoming the next day's headline.

I hate the fact that we live in a society where I can't stop and help someone because I'm afraid of what might happen to me. And how do I justify not stopping with the command in the Bible to help those in need? He was obviously in need and I had the ability to help him. But I didn't.

So help me out here. To you married guys out there, would you want your wife stopping to help a random guy who was stranded? Is it any different because I'm not married? Should I, as a single woman, have stopped? What really is more important ... protecting myself or helping someone in need? And how does my choice to protect myself fit with the verse about treating others as I would like to be treated? And putting others before myself? Should I have trusted to the Lord to protect me?

I'm seriously struggling with this. Any thoughts?

Wait

Have you ever had a day when you just wish with all your heart that Jesus would decide that today is the day He will come back? I had one of those days today.

Sometimes I just get utterly overwhelmed with this mess we call a world. I'm tired of being here. I want to go home.

Living in Colorado Springs, it's basically impossible to get away from everything that happened at New Life Church yesterday. It's everywhere. I drove past all the national news media vans with their huge satellite dishes on my way to and from work. I heard the latest updates on every radio station I turned to. Everyone at work either attends New Life or knows someone who was there, so that's all anyone talked about all day.

Most of the discussion at my small group tonight centered around fear. It's a daily battle, it seems, to live a life free of fear. So when some seemingly random act of violence happens, it's hard not to let fear overwhelm me.

There's this song called "Wait" by Caleb Rowden that moves me deeply every time I hear it. It just makes me long for Jesus.

Cold, all alone
'Cause where I am is so far from home
So far from You
But I know You're there to see me through
All my days, and every step I take
But for now, this is all that I can say

I'm longing for my home
To rest before Your throne
To be with You
My faith will be complete
When Your glory shines on me
When that day comes
My heart will find its place
But for now I'll wait

Lost, so afraid
Searching for a better way
To be in that place
To feel Your heart and finally see You
Face to face
Forever and a day
But for now, this is all that I can say

I'll wait for You, I'll wait for You to come
So please come soon
I'll wait for You, I'll wait for You to come
So please come soon

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
~Psalm 27:14