The Terrifying Face of Love

I had a monumental epiphany tonight and it completely scared me.

(Disclaimer: I'm still trying to sort this all out in my mind so I'm not sure this post is going to make a whole lot of sense, but I want to share it anyway.)

So here is my earth-shattering epiphany ... are you ready for it?

I love my daughter.

I know what you're probably thinking, "Um, hello. You're her mom. You're just now realizing that? What is wrong with you?"

But stick with me.

The epiphany-causing part of this realization is not the fact that I love my daughter, but the depth of my love for her. It's SO much deeper than any emotion I've ever felt before. I've never experienced anything even remotely close to how I feel about Cara. It's taken the concept of love to a whole new level.

And this realization scares me. A lot.

What it comes down to is a lack of trust. Basically, I'm scared to trust God with my daughter. Even though it's completely backwards and doesn't make any sense, I'm afraid that because I love Cara so much, He's going to allow something to happen to her in order to teach me something ... maybe surrender or acceptance. Isn't that a ridiculous and twisted fear? I "know" that God is good and loving and compassionate. I "know" that He works all things together for good. But I also know that this world is a fallen, broken, messed up place with lots of pain and heartache. I know that many people suffer unfathomable losses allowed by God for His greater purpose.

Frankly, I'm afraid that my loving Cara so much will cause God to allow that to be taken from me in order to show me that all I need is Him. (See what I mean about being backwards? Seriously ... I'm a mess.)

But even in the midst of this consuming fear, I also see the other side. After the volatile final seven weeks of my pregnancy, how can I ever doubt God - the One that chose to give us a baby girl who is the picture of perfect health?

A little background: At 33 weeks my placenta started showing signs of calcification and the doctors were convinced that I would have to be induced early to save my baby. I was monitored twice a week and at every ultrasound the baby had to score at least 8 out of a possible 10 points for the doctors to feel okay with letting things progress naturally. Every single time our baby scored a 10. But it wasn't just barely a 10. She would complete all the necessary actions within the first few minutes of being on the monitor. Every time. She literally defied every expectation of our doctors. She came naturally, two days before her due date, and the first five months of her life have continued to demonstrate that despite what the doctors predicted, Cara is the epitome of perfect health.

Is this rambling making any sense? Even as I'm writing, I feel like an out of control ping pong ball, bouncing wildly back and forth between what I know to be true and what I feel (read: fear).

The Truth is that God loves me more than I can even begin to fathom. What I feel for Cara? That's just a tiny fraction of how God feels about me. He won't allow anything in my life without a purpose and whatever He allows me to experience, without it I wouldn't become who He wants me to be.

Bottom line. The deepest desire of my heart is to please God, whatever it takes.

Or whomever it takes.

The Tapestry

It's been just over three months since I last wrote. In that time, my life has changed dramatically. Two major events shaped the last 12 weeks, both of which will deeply impact the rest of my life. The beginning of one life and the end of another. A joyful and happy beginning and terrible and painful ending.

So how will I remember the last three months of 2010? On the one hand, my daughter, Cara Grace, was born. She is perfect. Beautiful, happy, easy-going. A complete joy. On the other, my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow cancer.) It was agressive. Nasty, horrendous, awful. A devastating disease. The diagnosis came a short three weeks after Cara was born and I was still in the midst of the postpartum hormonal roller-coaster. Needless to say, I was an emotional yo-yo.

The cancer advanced rapidly, almost as fast as my precious baby grew. Every day she would do something new, and every day they discovered a new way the cancer had grown. As my daughter grew healthy and stronger day by day, my dad got sicker and weaker.

By mid-December, less than three months since we first heard the word cancer, Dad was completely incapacitated. He had total kidney failure and had to be on dialysis three times a week. He had fluid around his lungs so he had to be on supplemental oxygen. He wasn't able to walk because he had several tumors on his spine. He was in pain all the time and had lost a lot of weight including all of his body fat. His body had failed him.

By mid-December, less than three months since we first laid eyes on her, Cara was sleeping 12 hours a night and cracking us up with her crazy expressions and baby smiles. She had healthy, glowing skin and grown pudgy and dimpled from her high calorie breast milk diet. She was cooing and gurgling with glee at the everyone who spoke to her. She was a picture of perfect health.

Christmas week. Cara experiences her first Christmas morning. Dad goes into the ICU and ends up on a ventilator. Less than 24 hours later, we are called to the hospital and have to make the dreadful decision to end life support. We sit with Dad until the end. After four excruciating hours, it is over.

The worst three months of my life and the best three months of my life. Life and death woven together to create a beautiful, tragic tapestry.

Motherhood by Immersion

In the final few weeks before BabyGio arrives, I've been surrounding myself with as many babies as possible. I figure it's kind of like learning a language by immersion.

So last week my sister brought her kiddos for a picnic lunch at the park across the street. Moriah, my six-month-old niece, got to experience the bliss of eating a strawberry for the first time. (After witnessing the carnage, it's obvious that Carl's Jr.'s "Don't bother me ... I'm eating" commercials have nothing on this girl!)

Apparently pregnancy has changed my voice into a man's voice. How unbecoming. I hope it changes back.

And here, her brother Micah discovers that bomannas have hair.


Then today at lunch, I had another niece visit, this time two months old.
Needless to say, I'm getting a teensy bit excited for our baby to be here and join the fun!

Buckle Up, Baby!

Heyyyyyy! Where have you been all my life? What's it been ... like two months?!

Well, lots has happened since I last wrote.

I guess the biggest news is that I'm pregnant! I know what you're thinking because it's the first thing everybody asks, and the answer is ... we weren't trying and we weren't not trying. We just ... were. Our baby is due September 17th, so I just passed 12 weeks. We just this week started telling people. We decided to wait to share the news until 12 weeks for two reasons: 1. I have heard that the first three months are the biggest risk of miscarriage, and 2. I don't feel pregnant. At all. After having so many friends get horribly sick throughout their first few months of pregnancy, I just assumed I would have the same experience. So although the test I took told me I was indeed pregnant, I haven't felt any different and until we actually saw the sonogram last week, I wasn't 100% convinced. I guess I'm a lucky one.

As we share the news with people, we're getting more and more excited about it. It took a while for it to sink in. And actually, sometimes I still forget. I guess those days when I forget I'm pregnant are numbered, huh?

Speaking of being pregnant, there must be something in the water at Compassion because every third woman of childbearing age seems to be pregnant. I'm not joking. Pregnancy is very contagious, apparently.

In other news, our house is under contract! We put it on the market a couple months ago and for over a month did not have one single showing. Then, out of the blue, we had a showing, then three showings in one day and then an offer. The inspection is this weekend, and as long as all goes well, we're hoping to close on April 15. And that means we have to get moving on finding a house to buy! This whole coordination of selling and buying a house is complicated and it stresses me out. Thankfully, we have some very good friends who have offered to help us out if we have lag time.

Chris left yesterday for Kenya with a group of bloggers. I'm very glad he got to go on the trip. He loves Kenya and he gets to see Lerionga again. But I have to say, for some reason him being gone on this trip is harder on me than normal. I'm not sure why. But I'm literally counting the days until he's back. (Sheesh. Who am I and what have I done with my independent self?)

Anyway, it's good to be back on the blog. Lots of big things going on in the Giovagnoni household these days. Hold on and buckle your seatbelts! I think we're in for a wild ride.

Babies

We know, like, a zillion people having babies. Forget H1N1 ... pregnancy is spreading, people. It's very contagious.

That being said, I saw this trailer today for a new film from Focus Features. I dare you not to smile.

P.S. I know what you all are thinking. The answer is NO. :)

A Tiny Little Burrito

Well, the news is out and all I have to say is ... FINALLY!

See I have this little issue with keeping my mouth shut, especially when I'm excited about something. And it doesn't get much more exciting than this ...

They told us a few weeks ago and it's been killing me to not say anything. (I had a couple close calls, but thankfully in the end no beans were spilled.)

This news is doubly exciting considering everything they've been through this past year. Congratulations, guys.

Pray with me for a healthy baby?

P.S. My super talented brother designed all those ads. Don't you think Chipotle should hire him?

99 Balloons

A Word of Advice

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask a coworker how her baby is unless you are 100,000,000,000% sure she is pregnant.

I just learned that the hard way.

The Evil Eye

Hopefully this will make you smile on this Friday.

Oh Baby

Say hello to my nephew.


Would you like more? Check out his blog.

He has his own blog? you ask.
Yes, yes he does.

Introducing Micah

Congratulations to my baby sister Ellie and her husband Dave!
Now I must get me to New York.

Schenectady, Schmenectady

I'm in upstate New York right now visiting my sister and her husband. My baby sister. Who's very preggers at the moment. I flew out here now because:

1. I wanted to see her with a big ol' baby belly and I'll be in Hawaii when she actually has the baby. So unless I see her now I wouldn't get to see her pregnant.

2. I wanted to give her a baby shower. I feel like it's one of the big sister "official" duties and even though I live thousands of miles away, I didn't want to miss out on it.

I had a hellish trip out here. American Airlines' problems are causing all sorts of chaos with the other airlines trying to cover for them, so even though I wasn't flying American, it didn't matter. Then there was a medical emergency on the incoming plane we were supposed to depart on so that made us leave 1.5 hours late which meant I missed not just my original connection, but also the connection they rebooked me on. Then I met Ms. Grouchy Pants, the Northwest Airlines ticketing agent who was unbelievably rude to me and told me she couldn't help me because she was supposed to go on break and how on earth could I have managed to miss both flights ... etc. I was so tired and frustrated by this time that I just started to cry. I couldn't help it. You would have thought that would soften Ms. GP a little, but nope. Not a smidge. I'm normally a very patient and understanding traveler, but this was a hard trip.

In the end I made it to Albany. I flew from Denver to Minneapolis to Atlanta to Albany. But I made it.

And even though the weather people predicted rain for the whole time, so far the sun's been shining.