The Terrifying Face of Love

I had a monumental epiphany tonight and it completely scared me.

(Disclaimer: I'm still trying to sort this all out in my mind so I'm not sure this post is going to make a whole lot of sense, but I want to share it anyway.)

So here is my earth-shattering epiphany ... are you ready for it?

I love my daughter.

I know what you're probably thinking, "Um, hello. You're her mom. You're just now realizing that? What is wrong with you?"

But stick with me.

The epiphany-causing part of this realization is not the fact that I love my daughter, but the depth of my love for her. It's SO much deeper than any emotion I've ever felt before. I've never experienced anything even remotely close to how I feel about Cara. It's taken the concept of love to a whole new level.

And this realization scares me. A lot.

What it comes down to is a lack of trust. Basically, I'm scared to trust God with my daughter. Even though it's completely backwards and doesn't make any sense, I'm afraid that because I love Cara so much, He's going to allow something to happen to her in order to teach me something ... maybe surrender or acceptance. Isn't that a ridiculous and twisted fear? I "know" that God is good and loving and compassionate. I "know" that He works all things together for good. But I also know that this world is a fallen, broken, messed up place with lots of pain and heartache. I know that many people suffer unfathomable losses allowed by God for His greater purpose.

Frankly, I'm afraid that my loving Cara so much will cause God to allow that to be taken from me in order to show me that all I need is Him. (See what I mean about being backwards? Seriously ... I'm a mess.)

But even in the midst of this consuming fear, I also see the other side. After the volatile final seven weeks of my pregnancy, how can I ever doubt God - the One that chose to give us a baby girl who is the picture of perfect health?

A little background: At 33 weeks my placenta started showing signs of calcification and the doctors were convinced that I would have to be induced early to save my baby. I was monitored twice a week and at every ultrasound the baby had to score at least 8 out of a possible 10 points for the doctors to feel okay with letting things progress naturally. Every single time our baby scored a 10. But it wasn't just barely a 10. She would complete all the necessary actions within the first few minutes of being on the monitor. Every time. She literally defied every expectation of our doctors. She came naturally, two days before her due date, and the first five months of her life have continued to demonstrate that despite what the doctors predicted, Cara is the epitome of perfect health.

Is this rambling making any sense? Even as I'm writing, I feel like an out of control ping pong ball, bouncing wildly back and forth between what I know to be true and what I feel (read: fear).

The Truth is that God loves me more than I can even begin to fathom. What I feel for Cara? That's just a tiny fraction of how God feels about me. He won't allow anything in my life without a purpose and whatever He allows me to experience, without it I wouldn't become who He wants me to be.

Bottom line. The deepest desire of my heart is to please God, whatever it takes.

Or whomever it takes.

C.S. Lewis on Love

"Do not waste time bothering whether you "love" your neighbour; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him."

—C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Homecoming

From the San Antonio News ...

Air Force Master Sgt. Joseph Myers had only one wish while in the desert sands of Iraq: Get home before the end of his daughter's fourth-grade year.

It almost didn't happen. Almost.

On Thursday, the next-to-last day of class at Randolph Elementary School, the airman's wish came true.

An emotional Myers, still dressed in his brown-and-tan fatigues, surprised his daughter in her class, returning from a year in Iraq nine days before his tour ended.

If you do nothing else today, watch this video.

Agape

"Agape is the love that overflows and gives of its fullness, not the hunger that cries out from the depths of its own emptiness. Human love, by its nature, can never be pure agape. Because we are in ourselves contingent and insufficient, our love necessarily contains an element of eros, or passion, springing from our poverty and yearning for the satisfaction of our needs. God, Who needs nothing, can give Himself without limit, and His love - the love which He is - is an infinite giving of Himself, eternally replenished from the fullness of His own giving. Hence it is that God is at the same time infinitely rich and infinitely poor, infinitely great and infinitely humble, so far above all that He can place Himself beneath all and no one will see the difference, because, wherever He is, He is both above and below, both this side of us and beyond us, within us and outside us, deeper in us than we are in ourselves, and yet so infinitely far beyond us that we can never reach Him."

-Thomas Merton

My Mom

It's my mom's birthday today.

She and I have always shared a special connection. I don't know if it has something to do with me being the oldest child or first daughter or if it's something more ... supernatural. All I know is that my mom and I share a bond like I have with no one else.

I first noticed this when I was at college (in Michigan) and she was here in Colorado, and we had bad days on the same day. I'm not kidding. It sounds weird even now as I write it, but it's the truth. We were connected.

My mom is a math genius. I breezed through algebra, geometry and calculus thanks to her. Okay maybe I didn't "breeze" through. But she was always willing to help me out when I needed it. She would stay up late helping me study for a test even though she got up at 4am.

She also has a gift for learning languages. She's learned (at one time or another) French, German, Spanish, Hebrew, and Greek. I'm sure there are others that aren't listed here.

My mom makes the BEST chocolate sauce ever. She makes it from scratch. She loves chocolate. And she spread that chocolate infatuation to her family. Vanilla is for weenies.

When we play games with Mom, we have to bring our A Game. Because it's VERY difficult to beat her. At anything. But it's fun to try.

My mom made us each a "tote bag" for our looooong road trips to NY. She actually sewed the bags. Then she'd fill them with special treats, new games, books and other things to keep up occupied for the hours on the road.

On the road trips, it was always mom who was noticing and appreciating God's creation. Remember, guys? "Hey kids, look at that beautiful blade of grass!"

My mom always laughs when we tell "your mom" jokes. She cracks us up with her "mom-isms." "Get in the way high," "clear a path," and "for cryin' in the beebop" were all invented by my mom.

She is the most devoted, determined person I know. We never, ever doubted for one second that her family is her number one priority.

I couldn't ask for more in a mom.

Happy birthday, Mom!
I love you.

Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal ...
Lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket ... it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable ...

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

-C.S. Lewis

A Love Story

Being a big sister is hard. I know. I've been one for 28 years.

When I was in college my brother was dating a girl that I didn't like. He had been dating her for several years and in my outspoken-pushy-big-sister sort of way, I had made it very clear to him that I didn't like her. Although I had some legitimate reasons for my concern, I did not express it in love [not even anything close to love] and it almost destroyed our relationship.

Thankfully, in God's infinite wisdom, after years of fighting, he allowed me to get to the point where I had to give up trying to control my brother's choices about whom to date, and just leave him in the Lord's hands. I stopped telling him what I thought he should do with his life. But I prayed for him constantly.

A few years later he met Valeen ...


When I read his blog post yesterday, I started crying. To hear him talk about his wife this way is what I had prayed for for so many years.

I knew that I'd do anything to fix the mess that I was in order to be the man she deserves. I knew she was much more than I deserved.

My dream is to feel that way about my husband. And have him think of me like that. I hope the Lord fulfills that dream. But it's so obvious to me now that God's plan is the best one. And his timing truly IS perfect. And when I think of stories like Chris and Valeen's, my impatience and doubt seems so silly.


When I grow up and get married, I want to be just like my little brother.

Is this what Heaven will be like?