A disclaimer: I'm writing this post mainly for my single friends. I decided to share it specifically for others that might be weathering a similar storm in the same boat. If you're married and interested in the woes of a single girl, then by all means, read on. Just wanted to give you fair warning.
Dating sucks. I have had more false starts than I care to count. Here's a little glimpse into my journal from a few days ago.
I've not been doing well with the whole single thing lately. I fear I'm becoming "that girl." You know the one ... lonely and desperate to be with someone. Especially during the last couple weeks, it seems like my single status has been on my mind constantly. I feel very single everywhere I go. And very alone. It's been hard ... a HUGE mental, emotional, spiritual battle. I fight against a new wave of depression and discouragement every day. I fight to find my worth in the truth about who God says I am. Satan tells me lies consistently about how I'm not attractive to men and how I'll never have anyone. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and my emotions change by the hour. I struggle not to doubt the Lord and his timing. I get angry and frustrated and impatient with him. I try to figure out what he's waiting for - what I can change or do to make the timing finally "right." I put on a happy, content face and encourage my other single friends while inside I'm filled with oceans of fear and doubt and insecurities.
So there ya go. My soul, bared. Bleh. Not very pretty, is it? I'm not sure why this has hit me so hard these past couple weeks. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that 30 is just a couple months away ... I don't know. This whole "struggling with a birthday" thing is brand new to me. But this valley is a deep one.
And yet.
God still sits on the throne. He hears my prayers - my words of frustration and discouragement - and he says, "I love you, Becky. Will you trust me in this?"
So on I go, trusting that he'll bring an amazing husband to me - one who will be more than worth the wait.
13 comments:
Becky, as one who just passed the 30 milestone as a single woman, well, I know exactly. The loneliness, the fear, the depression, the fighting to hope still, the desperation even. Thank you for sharing your heart. And know that you're not the only one. We'll make quite the pair of roomies won't we? :-)
Julisa
Julisa
At risk of jacking up a totally serious post ... no, I'd better not ... then again, smiling is the best medicine ... no, you idiot, this is neither the time nor the place ... oh come on ...
I'd date you.
Crap. I said it. Great. What a moron. Plus, that's sick. On a bunch of levels.
But did you smile? Even a little? No? Dang. Definitely shouldn't have written that.
______________________________
In all seriousness, Beck, I'm sorry to hear all that. Sorry you're going through it. That's heavy. I can't pretend to know how you feel, so I won't, and I can't tell you anything that you don't already know or haven't already been over 1000 times.
But I'm (we're) praying for you. And God is good. And faithful. Even when we don't see it. If there's one thing I've learned, and I don't learn things well, it's that God's way and God's timing are ALWAYS better than mine. His plan is far superior to my own every time.
My guess is the same applies to you—unless of course you are as smart as God (and take it from your brother, you're not). And my other guess is that I was right and I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. So sorry for being repetitive and redundant.
Love,
Your brother.
Let's just go look out the window.
Okay that's really creepy and really sweet at the same time.
I get what you mean though.
So ... thanks. Love you, brother!
I am so there with you. Today, my mother said, "you'll make a good mother one day and I'm praying you'll find someone."
Thanks, Mom. I love you but way to ruin a trip so Sbux.
Your brother's comment about God's timing being better than ours hit a nerve for me though (thank you, Becky's brother). That gets me through the weddings, the bachelorette parties, and the googley-eyed couples at Whole Foods who seem so happy to be buying a quarter pound of turkey meat together.
Awww, Becky, it's hard to hear that you're feeling that way! I think my brother went through the same thing when he turned 30. Even though our whole family lived in the same town, everyone was busy that night and he had to spend his 30th by himself (we had a party planned for him the next day, but it's not the same). But about a week later, he decided to take one of his friends up on a blind date offer, which was something he had refused to do up to that point. I guess he figured he had nothing to lose. This is the woman he ended up marrying, and their baby was the one we came out to see earlier this month. Maybe the big 3-0 made him more willing to take risks (which may or may not be a good thing).
Your friends want the best for you and we'll be thrilled when you meet your Prince Charming, but mostly we want you to know that you are loved by and valuable to all of us, whether you're married or not.
I just remembered something cool I heard about God somewhere. He has the perfect gift for you, and He's so excited to give it to you but He's waiting for just the right time. You don't know exactly what it'll look like, but you know it's going to be better than anything you could imagine. That's what it's like while He's waiting to reveal your husband to you. The right one is waiting for you, he just hasn't been revealed yet.
I don't know if that's encouraging or just annoying, but that's what God put on my heart for you.
Love, Emily
Emily, thanks for your kind words. They mean everything to this Words of Affirmation girl. :)
Plus, that story about your brother is great!
I think you guys have a pretty cool story too ...
And Fay, one day soon, you and I will both be part of two more googley-eyed couples ...
I am not sure this will make you feel any better, but maybe...
When I was 29, I got depressed about my life, even though it was a great one, and filled with everything I had always wanted. (nice husband, nice kids, home, etc)
I think that age is just a hard one, no matter what your place in life.
Although I also had a hard time being single, too. I never liked it. Which could be why I snagged the first guy I could. At age 19! ;) haha
I hope you can get through your feelings and come out a more content person. After all, that is what we should be doing with those darts that mean ole serpent likes to throw at us...Although it is always SO difficult at the time, so (((HUGS)))
Beck,
We're praying for you all the time. These are the three things that I pray for the most for you:
1) That God would make you happy (even if not exactly "content") through all of this. I really really really just want you to be so happy.
2) That God would bring you the most wonderful husband, and SOON!
3) And that you would somehow know what a phenomenal big sister you have always been to me. Totally seriously, you're exactly what I need in a big sister, and I hope that you know what a fantastic job you're doing at it.
There you go.
I love you!
Ellie
Seriously, all these comments are so encouraging! That wasn't my motivation for this post, but definitely a good result.
And Ellie, don't you worry. I AM happy. Very happy! Seriously, my life ROCKS. 90% of the time I'm blown away by how incredibly blessed I am. It's just in those weak moments (thankfully few and far between) when I start doubting God's plan.
Beck - first of all, you are soooooo beautiful, in and out. You have a delightful personality and your love for the Lord is evident in your very being. Not only that, but you have awesome hair. :-) I'll trade you any day.
I believe God has given you this desire. So there's nothing wrong with wanting it and feeling incomplete without it. God's word says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God wouldn't give you a desire only for it never to be quenched, by a man or by God himself. His character is love, not mean-spirited. God may be done getting you ready for your man, but he might not be done getting your man ready for you. So keep praying and asking. God is filled with pleasure when he looks at you!
I love you!
i love your heart......
This is it. This is the post I am talking about. Your authenticity and your trust in God collide so beautifully in this post and I think very few people are able to express this as well as you have. Plus, i prayed something very similar to what you wrote just weeks before reading this - so it makes me want to get a dose of the perspective the Lord gave you, from you:) And all around I was very encouraged and challenged by your writing, thank you so much.
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